Brainstorm: We Reviewed This Week’s Movie Releases Based Purely On Their Posters

In a week that sees The Lego Batman Movie go head to head with the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel at the box office, Brainstorm gives you a rough idea of how good (or bad) the five big releases are – without actually seeing them. Instead, we offer our valued insights based purely on their posters.

 

 

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Ang ‘Life of Pi’ Lee has left those over the top, fable-like sensibilities behind in favour of (what looks like) a hard-hitting drama about an army dude. Tonally, we’re slightly confused by this poster. The back of the army guy’s jacket, emblazoned with a cast that includes Kristen Stewart (new princess of great French arthouse films) and Vin Diesel (this isn’t Fast & Furious 14, is it?), suggests that this could be really damn sad. But the fireworks suggest celebration and happiness. Ang Lee, what’s your angle on this one? Where’s the tagline? Yeah, I love Vin Diesel, war movies AND fireworks, but I don’t know where the three overlap. SELL THIS TO ME.

4/10

 

The Lego Batman Movie

The poster is batshit crazy and unjustifiably over the top, but honestly, it could just be a potato with ‘The Lego Batman Movie’ scored into it and I would’ve already handed over a wad of cash in exchange for unlimited entries. I’ll see this movie, then I’ll watch it again, and probably one more time after that just to make sure it’s definitely as great as I thought it was. Lego movies are the new Disney, only smarter, funnier and slightly more risqué. The bright yellow bobbled ground suggests fun, while Batman’s menacing grin suggests this shit could rival the Christopher Nolan trilogy in terms of its ominous themes. Either way, sign me the heck up.

8/10

 

Fifty Shades Darker

“No more secrets,” this poster promises, “… No more rules”. How about no more substandard, moody posters for unnecessary sequels that nobody bloody asked for? Look: Dakota Johnson wearing what looks like a fragile, sexy mask that is, mark my words, guaranteed to break in the event of any surprise BSDM activity. Also, did Jamie Dornan borrow that mask from The Lego Batman Movie? We’re all praying that your local projectionist really turns down the brightness on this film; fifty shades darker, to be exact, until all we can witness is 90 minutes of inexplicably awkward moans and groans and some naff Beyoncé covers.

2/10

Fences

Ok, so it looks like Paramount are banking on the brilliance of both Viola Davis and Denzel Washington to push ticket sales for this bad boy. They’re smirking at something (perhaps the Academy as a thank you for their nods this year), and are dressed in some gingham/check shirts. Is this a period piece? Certainly looks like it. Will it make you cry? Probably. I mean, the poster’s in black and white which almost definitely suggests themes of sadness and power. There’s a fence in the background, just so everyone’s aware that this film’s themes are tied to wooden planks that act as a barrier between people’s homes and crazy people/rabid dogs/Mormons. But what if the barriers are keeping people from going outside, rather than people from the outside coming in? Mind. Potentially. Blown.

9/10

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